Sunday saw the inaugural Kenmare Handicap Triathlon and what a huge success it was; for none more so than Clive Johnston. On his triathlon debut Clive left the field for dust to romp home in first place. Great things are expected from him for the 2009 season although I’d say the handicappers will be looking closely at him this time next year.

There is a full report to follow below. Just before this however we would sincerely like to thank all the people who helped, supported and organised the event. Thanks Chris, James, Margaret, Ryan, The Paul’s, Joanne,  Jordan, Tom, Will, Ann, Devon, Lauren, Taylor, Sinead and especially Robert and Andrea who not only organised but then went on to provide amazing hospitality for the evening.

So to the results. There are number of result sheets detailed below (all in PDF format):

- Individual times for each event – Download Here
- Individual times for each event with handicap adjustments – Download Here

- Total times (including transitions) – Download Here
- Total times (including transitions) with handicap adjustments – Download Here

Photos to follow in the coming days. In the meantime enjoy Ryan’s humorous report below.

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Race Report

Kenmare Handicap Fun Triathlon

Sunday, 12th October 2008.

A new dawn is upon us, a new era in sporting history has been born. Now, finally, mere mortals can compete with the elites of the triathlon ranks and bring home a slice of winners pie.  What could make this possible, you may wonder.  How could such a complex system of performance times be adapted to bridge the gap between those who have the skill, stamina, strength and dedication to be at the top and those who, well, don’t?  The answer came to Robert Whyte one day while trimming his hedges in his purpose-built 4×4 jeep.  Why not take the average completion times achieved by each athlete on similar distances and weight them accordingly?  And hence, a revolution was born – its name:

The Time-Adjusted-By-Robert-And-His-Mates-Triathlon.

On race day all competitors were geared up and ready for what we knew would be a powerful day in sports.  Championship athlete Paul Tanner was up against his arch-nemesis, the elite Ellen Vitting, and neither Timmy O’Leary or Boyle Sports could name either as favourite.  Throughout the pack, it was clear that all in attendance were pulling out the stops to take the prized first place.  New arrival to the sport Clive Johnston was armed with a bike thought to be made out of air and aerodynamic rice paper.  Paul Kelly was rumoured to have abstained from smoking for three hours before the event.  Indeed, everyone was truly taking this very seriously.

At an estimated length of somewhere between 300 and 800 metres, the swim provided the perfect start to the event. The water was glass-like and while somewhat chilly, it allowed the big players to put in excellent swim times.  First out of the water was Paul T, closely followed by Ellen, Colm and Lisa.  Colm’s T1 time proved to be his Achilles heel however, stopping to make a sandwich and have a cup of coffee before getting onto the bike.  This time was bettered by Thos though, who not only prepared lunch but also did a full yoga workout before starting his cycle.

The first leg of the cycle was a gruelling climb to the top of Rossacussane and some of the athletes began to ask why Trek hadn’t made gears that go down another 7 clicks.  Those at the front had no such problems and Ellen later told this reporter that she did the entire climb in top gear, wearing flip-flops.  Good weather conditions continued throughout the duration of the cycle and by the end of this leg all competitors had put in strong times.

On commencement of the run, the gap between Ellen and Paul T was shorter and it looked like the  run-like-the-wind elite might take the lead in the 4km ahead.  With every step Ellen closed another inch but Paul held on and made it onto the bike first for the last stretch home.  A superb run time was achieved by Joe Smyth who seemed to break the sound barrier on the last descent.  Other athletes were not quite as quick however, with one competitor in particular (ahem) deciding that walking was really how to approach this leg of the competition.  Spurred on by the supportive comments of his fellow athletes and the 10 year old water-providers yelling ‘Run You Idiot!’ he amassed the strength to break into a leisurely jog for rest of the run.

The second leg of the cycle was a quick sprint to the finish, and spectators held their breath to see who would be the first to climb up the Olympics-endorsed hill to the back of Robert’s house.  Much to the surprise of sports writers it was Paul T who crossed the line first, finally doing what some in triathlon circles had deemed impossible by beating Ellen.  All competitors put in excellent finish times, the lure of the BBQ at Robert’s house being cited as the motivation for such super-human achievement.

The question on everyone’s mind now was how would the times be affected by the handicap system.  Would Paul T hold his lead?  Would Robert Whyte himself take the prize? (and then face a steward’s enquiry about how exactly the times were worked out)   No, in fact nobody had expected the resulting winner who turned out to be none other than newcomer Clive Johnston.  Indeed, with powerful performances in all events and a magic bike that weighed less than a Pot Noodle, Clive was a worthy victor and accepted the Paul Kelly hand-crafted cup with pride.  Crowds cheered, cameras flashed and the event was brought to a momentous close.

We look forward to seeing what next year brings.